Dear Child

Being the newsletter writer for our MOPS group has unleashed in me the desire to find humor in all these very REAL MOMents.

enjoy! 

Dear Preschooler

I’m so glad you turned four and now know everything. 

I might have gone my whole entire life without knowing that there are no BLACK birds: that birds CANNOT be black.  Thanks to you, I am now enlightened.

Love, Mom .

Dear Toddlers,

You need to eat the raisins AND the bran.   While I applaud your initiative and creative thinking, please do not dump multiple bowl-fulls out onto your bedroom floor so can more easily separate the raisins from the bran flakes.  Love, Mom   P.S.  Thank you for not putting milk in the bowls first. 

Dear Toddlers,

What do you have against all my wicker baskets?!?  Please stop breaking them apart piece by piece. It’s a little disturbing the way you slowly kill them.    Love, Mom

Dear Toddler,

Your baby brother was still sleeping in at 6 am this morning.  That means Mommy could have slept in today.  Apparently you didn’t get the memo. *sigh*

Love, Mom

Dear Toddler,

There is a reason I now lock the bathroom door.  It is you.  This is Mommy’s quiet and alone time.  Please go away.  

Love, Mom

Dear Toddler Girl,

Why is that causing another pain eases your suffering.  I’m glad you’re not crying anymore, but the wicked cackle wasn’t any better.  

Love, Mom

P.S.  Your brother is learning from you.  I think you are going to be crying again shortly.

Dear Toddler Girl,

Enjoy the abiltiy to be an exhibitionist now while you can.  Being naked won't be cute for very much longer. 

Love, Mom

Dear Toddler,

No, I don’t need to watch Finding Nemo* with you.  I’ve got it memorized and am watching it in my mind while I wash these dishes.  

Love, Mom *Same with Frozen, Tangled and Aristocats.

Dear Toddler Girl, 

You must be under the mistaken impression that I adore doing laundry.  Please stop changing your clothes every 15 minutes!!!  

Love, Mom

P.S.  Since I know you are going to do this anyway, please put them back in your drawer when you change out of because they are NOT dirty.

P.S.S.  The floor doesn’t instantly make them dirty.

Dear Toddler,

Why do you find boogers so tasty?  Will you please outgrow this soon?  It makes me gag. 

Love, Mom

Dear Toddler,

Thank you for streaking wet and naked across the house straight for a clean bed.  I thought that I might have had the whole house clean, but that’s OK because I don’t know what to do with free time anymore anyway. 

Love, Mom

Dear Toddler Boy,

Mommy is not going to let you run around naked anymore if you keep grabbing yourself.  You are chafing.
Love, Mom

Dear Toddler Boy,

Could you please play with toys.  The drawer of cups are not toys and I am sick of re-washing them.  I am tired of having to treasure hunt for them through the house when you are *desperate* for a drink right now!  

Love, Mom

Dear Toddler Girl,                                             

Don’t ever swallow money again.  I didn’t like being covered in your puke (and watching you feel so miserable broke my heart).  I didn’t enjoy going to the ER and hanging there until 1 AM.   And in no economic model is a dime worth the $500+ ER Bill.    

Love, Mom

P.S.  I am glad you’re OK.  

Dear Toddler Girl,

I only survived going through your poop on my dime search by putting it into a plastic ziplock bag, closing my eyes and pretending ti was warm brown play-doh.  Seriously, don’t ever do that to me again.  Gag.   

Love, Mom

Dear Toddler Children,

Changing the baby’s diaper is not opportunity for you to throw your entire lunch onto the carpet.  Can’t you think of anything fun to do that does NOT involve mess?   

Love, Mom

PS. Now, every time I smell Sweet Pumpkin Spice, I will picture you darling smile.

Dear Toddler,

Kudos on washing your hands.  You need only one pump of soap, Not one entire bottle.   

Love, Mom

Dear Toddler Girl,

Why is it that you will spit anything out anywhere except toothpaste into the sink? 

Love, Mom    

P.S.  You should have spit out the dime.’

  

Dear Toddler Children,

Toilet paper is not a toy.  It is not decoration.  It is not fun.  It is not meant to be piled, unused, like a large wet mountain in the toilet.   Go find something else to do.  

Love, Mom

Dear Toddler,
Don’t lick the cat.  He can give himself a bath without your help. 

Love, Mom

Dear Toddler Girl,

Don’t make me laugh when you are naughty.  It totally ruins my angry eyes.  

Love, Mom

Dear Toddler Girl,

Thank you for plucking 70% of the keys from my laptop.  I was spending too much time on it anyway.  

Love, Mom

Dear Toddler Boy,

Stop screaming so high to get your point across.  It doesn’t help me understand and now there are dogs barking in anguish the next county over.  

Love, Mom

Dear Toddler Boy,

There are not monsters under your bed.  There were no monsters during the day and they do not appear when the sun goes down.  However, if I don’t get some sleep, I might turn into one tomorrow when the sun comes back up.  

Love, Mom (CONTRIBUTED BY MY FRIEND, A.J.)

Dear Toddler Boy,

When I benevolently allow you to sleep in my bed, please keep your diaper on.  I did not like waking up to a poop pile in my blanket, nor did I like to find additional poop on the floor, down the hall and all over the bathroom toilet.  Potty trained means it ALL goes into the toilet!  

Love, Mom (CONTRIBUTED BY MY FRIEND, A.J.)

Dear Toddler Boy,

When you have a hard time waiting for your poop to come out, please do not unroll the toilet paper into a gigantic paper pile.  How about you dig into that pile of books next to the toilet instead?   

Love, Mom (CONTRIBUTED BY MY FRIEND, A.J.)

Dear Toddler Girl,

Please pee into the toilet.  I’m not even sure who you managed to pee into your underwear drawer, but I am not impressed at all. 

Love, Mom

P.S.  OK, maybe just a little.

Dear Toddlers,

Do not poop in the backyard.  Do not walk through poop and leave poop footprints.  Do not let the dogs eat it!  NO! NO! NO!  YUCK!!!!   

Love, Mom

Dear Toddler Girl. 
You are in fact THREE! Screaming Passionately from the backseat, "I AM NOT THREE!!!" will not magically change your age. If passionate screaming worked that way I would be in the driver's seat screaming, "I AM 24 AND SKINNY!!!" 
Love,  Mom

Dear Toddler Girl.

Your brother WILL scream every time you touch him in the car. Don't act so surprised. 

Love, Mom.

Dear Toddler Girl, 

I don’t know how you managed to pee across bathroom from the toilet but please don’t do that again.  

Love, Mom

Dear Toddler Son,

In case you didn’t know this, I really actually do NOT enjoy diaper changes any more than you.  Your squirming to get away is not an  imporvement and has at times put my hands precariously close to your pooop.  You may find poop fascinating and cool to touch, but I do NOT.  So please hold still for the love of all that is good and let me get the job done without turning it into a WWF match.  

Love, Mom

Dear Toddlers in my home,

One loud screamer is plenty.  Doing it in unison is not cool.  Harmonizing is no better. 

Love, Mom

Dear Toddler,

I don’t care who had it firstàEVERYTHINGß in this house belongs to ME!  It is MINE!  So, knock it off.  

Love, Mom

Dear Toddler, 

The sight of you joyfully running naked through the house accompanied by your ecstatic your deep belly laugh is probably one of the cutest things I’ve ever seen. 

Love, Mom








Dear Toddler Girl,

When you need to go pee mid-photo shoot, the least you could do is warn me first.

I’d have stopped taking pictures if you would have given me a heads up.



Love, MOM